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Nicholas made a living building houses. It was a very appropriate job for him. He was strong and large, even bear-like. It was only when he was raising a wall or climbing a ladder that he lost some of the fumbling awkwardness that had been a part of him since childhood. He liked building houses because houses made sense. One could predict the outcome of the house by the amount of effort that went into building it. He was good at it, too. His dwellings always ended up as safe and secure as he was. He was raised on a farm in Russia. He was the oldest of six children and the only boy. He spent much of his childhood pacing with his father outside his parents' bedroom while his small mother produced tiny and delicate creatures that Nicholas was destined never to understand. His father was always saying, "Hush now, Nicholas, your mother's not well," or "Come now, be quiet. Your mama's so tired." He did not know exactly what pregnancy was until he was about 11; by then he already had three sisters. When he was 16, his father died. Nicholas was left the sole protector of a house ruled by females. All his sisters were as tiny and pale as his mother, and he did not understand them any better than he did her. They seemed to speak a language entirely their own, a secret language created for the sole purpose of keeping things from him. He learned just to shake his head and give in to their demands. He was not equipped to combat them. His mother remarried when he was 25, and he moved to America. He met a wonderful, smart Russian girl named Anna whose parents had come over to America after World War II. She taught him how to speak English and got him a job building houses. He loved the way that he could understand her, in English or Russian. Of course, he was often baffled by some of her strange feminine ways, but he figured that he could learn to accept that. He saved enough money to buy a house, and they were married. Nicholas thought they would be happy forever. Within a few years Anna had a daughter. During the pregnancy Nicholas was terrified to let her move. He treated her like a porcelain queen, doing everything he could for her. She was often amused, even sometimes angered by his attempts, "Nicholas, please, I'm not going to break!" she'd say. He knew this but somehow could not believe it. They named their daughter Katherine and decided to call her Katie, the American way. The first moment he saw her, Nicholas vowed he would protect her as long as he lived. He had never loved anyone that fiercely and completely. She grew to be a beautiful little girl. She was blonde and small, resembling Nicholas's own mother. She laughed often and almost never cried. This suited Nicholas tremendously. He could not ever bear to hear her cry. He would do anything to make her happy, and she loved him for it. She was very intelligent, and not only in Nicholas's view. She behaved for her parents and was polite to visitors. Nicholas would gaze upon her with awe, baffled by the idea that he could have produced such an exquisite child. He would come to work with pictures to show everybody. The men with whom he worked grew tired of hearing about Katie, but never said anything. The heart of the hardest man warmed when he looked at the expression on Nicholas's face when he talked about the clever thing she'd said or how beautifully she sang. You could seldom find father and daughter who were closer than Nicholas and Katie. He spent every spare moment with her, taking her to the zoo, teaching her to throw a ball, and buying her an ice cream cone. He would carry her on his shoulders, and she would tell him how strong and wonderful he was. She also loved to brag, and often told her playmates about her wonderful daddy who was so much fun. Sometimes Nicholas overheard her saying these things to people. He would be overcome with pride and feel like the biggest man in the world. Nothing could bring him as much joy as a single phrase from Katie's mouth. He often called her Katja, but only if his wife couldn't hear. She never liked to be reminded of anything Russian. If Anna had been a silly or shallow woman, she would have been jealous of all the time that Nicholas spent with their daughter. Secretly she was thrilled to have produced something that made Nicolas so happy. Nicholas loved coming home from work to spend time with Katie. It was her favorite part of the day too. Together they would read pages and pages of anything from Winnie the Pooh to the poems of Pushkin. Then he would tell her stories about growing up in Russia and how he had left because he wanted to make lots of money in America. Katie acted as if she understood everything. One night as they were sitting together she said, "Daddy, I wish that you could stay home all day and play with me. We could read all the books in the world!" She loved books as much as Nicholas did. He chuckled softly and said, "But Katja, I have to work; all grown-ups do." "Why?" "We need money to support our families and make our little girls happy." "You can make me happy without any money, Daddy." "Yes, Katja, I can now, but you are a smart little girl. When you are old enough, you'll go to college. Then you'll become something wonderful." "What?" "Oh, I don't know. Anything really." He secretly hoped that she would be a doctor. "Why do you want me to go to college?" she asked. "Because Katja, I want you to be smart and happy when you grow up. Then I won't have to worry if you're all right when I'm not there." "Do you have to work very hard?" "Yes, very hard, but I do it for you. I do it to make you happy. I'd do anything for you. That's what it means to love someone." She looked up at him and said that she loved him too. Her eyes were shining with love and admiration. His entire being was consumed by his love for her. He thought that they could stay like that forever. When Katie was about 13 a strange change began to come over her. She had always been an affectionate child, but now she would not let Nicholas touch her. He would try to smooth her hair or hug her and she would shrug him off, annoyed. Suddenly she was spending lots of time alone in her room, telling her father that she did not have time to talk to him. She began to turn to her mother for conversation and guidance. Nicholas was not exactly jealous, just confused. He would walk into a room where Katie and Anna were talking, and they'd suddenly stop their conversation. Katie would look up at him, annoyed that he had interrupted their conversation, and leave the room. His normally cheerful daughter started to cry all the time. When he heard her, he would go to her. She would brush off his attempts to comfort her, telling him cruelly that he would never understand. Then she would demand that he leave and find her mother. After a few months of this, Nicholas grew exasperated and would yell at her. "Katie, stop this. Either tell me what's wrong or stop crying. I can't stand to hear this anymore!" She would look at him with pure hatred and he would leave the room, furious with himself and furious with her for pushing him away. His wife would come in and sit on the bed. Nicholas would hear Katie calm down and talk to her. Anna would say things like, "Yes, of course I understand," and "It will get better when you're older." Nicholas couldn't understand what it was. What would get better when she was older? What was it that Anna could understand but he could not? His house had become one of secrets. He was reminded of the secret language that his sisters had shared. His darling Katja was becoming someone he barely knew, and there did not seem to be anything that he could do about it. One night when he was feeling particularly despondent he went to his wife. "Anna, what's wrong with Katie?" "What do you mean Nicholas?" "Anna, she acts like she hates me; she won't talk to me or let me hug her anymore." "Nicholas, she's becoming a young woman." "So? What does that have to do with anything?" "Nicholas, you have five sisters! Didn't you learn anything from them?" "They were so foreign to me. My family life wasn't anything like it would've been here. I worked in the fields all day with my father. How would I have time to learn anything from them? Please, Anna, just tell me what's going on." "It's very difficult to become a woman, even more so in America. Things are so hard for her. She feels like everything about her is completely wrong." This perplexed him; Katie couldn't have been more perfect to him. "What can I do?" "Just give her time, she'll come around." "I hate this." "I know. She'll get over it." She looked at Nicholas's expression and swatted him playfully. "Darling, you're a man. You're not meant to understand her." She meant this as a joke, but it hurt him very much. He felt he was losing a part of him. Anna had only reaffirmed this. As Katie got older, things did not get any better between them. His brilliant daughter would bring home report cards filled with awful grades. She would present them without a hint of shame, without any effort to apologize for them. He would grow angry with her because he thought that she was jeopardizing her future. He would yell at her, demanding that she do better. This would only make her angry, and she would deliver her three patented words that could kill him every time, "You don't understand." Nicholas didn't understand a lot of things. He could not understand why his already thin and beautiful daughter would diet to the brink of starvation. He did not understand why she would not read books anymore. He did not understand why she would not bring her dates home to meet him, why she talked on the phone for hours. His ignorance made her angry, and she and her friends would laugh about her bumbling father. The more Nicholas did not understand, the more Katie could hurt him. The more hurt he was, the more he yelled at her. Eventually the cycle got so vicious that Nicholas stopped talking to her, and stopped trying to help her. Through the years he had to be quiet about a lot of things. He was silent when she decided to go to community college so she could be close to her boyfriend. He was silent when that boyfriend left her to date her best friend. He was silent when she dropped out of college to work and live in an apartment with another boyfriend across the country. He did not say a word when this boyfriend left her and she had to come back to live with him and Anna. He was even quiet when she started dating Freddy, a loud, rat-like man who called her "baby" and him "Mr. P." because he claimed that he couldn't pronounce their Russian name. Freddy would kiss Katie with his tongue right in front of her parents. They would have sex in her room while Nicholas and Anna were home, never worrying about whether or not they could be heard. Nicholas thought that Freddy was the most awful person on earth, but he never told his daughter that. He assumed that Katie could see something in Freddy that he didn't understand. Soon his dislike for Freddy grew to the point of loathing. The mere sight of him with his hands on Katie would drive him to the brink of rage. One late night, after Katie had been with Freddy for about a year, Nicholas came down to the kitchen. He was getting on in years, but never seemed to remember that he could not eat as he used to. He had a bad case of heartburn and was coming down to warm up some milk. It was only about 11, so he was surprised to see Katie standing in the kitchen. She usually came home at 1 am, if she came home at all. She was standing there in a too-short skirt, picking at a salad. She was now painfully thin but still trying to lose weight. He cleared his throat and she looked up, surprised to see him. "Oh, hi, Dad." She quickly turned away from him, but he had already seen the tears in her eyes. "Katja, what's wrong?" It still broke his heart to see her crying. She was surprised to hear him call her "Katja"; he had not said it in years. "Nothing, really," she said. "Are you hungry?" "Yes," she said, "very hungry." "Let me make you an ice cream sundae," Nicholas said. "I'd like that." Normally she would have said something about calories. He was surprised, but began to make the sundae. He threw himself into it with artistic zeal, thrilled to be allowed to do something for her again. He set it down in front of her and she consumed it, glad to be eating something with substance to it. She had not eaten anything like that in years. She finished it and thanked her father. She had stopped crying. She did not move from the table. It seemed as if she wanted to talk, but she said nothing. After a few minutes of awkward silence Nicholas asked, "How's work?" "Ok, I guess. I think that I might quit and start working at that new boutique. I'd make more money." He nodded. She switched jobs so frequently that he wasn't sure where she was working now. Then Nicholas braced himself and asked the now apparently inevitable question, "How's Freddy?" "Actually, I have something to tell you and Mom." Nicholas flinched internally, knowing all too well what was coming. "We decided to get married." "Katja, no." That was all that he could say at first. She pretended not to hear him and went right on talking. "We'll get married at the end of the year. We'll have to live here for a little bit, just until Freddy gets a job. He wants to be a mechanic, maybe even open up a garage." Her voice trailed off in the middle of her sentence. "Katja, no," he repeated, "you don't have to marry him. Katja, you're too good for him. You always will be. Katja, you can go back to college, I'll pay for it. Katja, I'll take care of you. Please Katja, don't do this to yourself." Tears had begun to roll down her cheeks. She was silent, so he continued. "Katja, being married to him will kill you. He's nothing, he'll always be nothing." He moved over to her and put his arms around her, all the while begging her to reconsider. He did not want ever to have to see his beautiful daughter shackled to that monster for the rest of her life. She began to shake her head. She looked up at him and through her tears said, "Daddy, don't, please. You don't understand." He held her tight against him, realizing that no, he did not understand it. He only knew that she had pulled so far away from him that he had lost her. He had not been able to save her from some strange female condition that made her do awful things, the condition that tricked her into believing that she had to settle for less, the condition that had destroyed the bond that he thought stronger than anything. He kissed her on the forehead and finally let her go. "I love you, Katja," he said. "I know, Dad, I love you too. I want to go to sleep now." She stood on her tiptoes and kissed his cheek. He had never seen her look so small. They parted and went to their own bedrooms. Nicholas sat on the bed and woke up Anna. "Nicholas, what is it?" she said, a note of alarm in her voice. "Katie told me that she and Freddy are going to get married. Did you know this?" "I figured that they would, sooner or later.""How can you be so calm about this? I hate Freddy. Don't tell me that you approve of him!" "Darling, calm down. How could I approve of Freddy? Of course I don't." She began to stroke his back, in an attempt to calm him. "We have to do something. We cannot let her marry him." "Darling, we can't stop her. You have to realize that. She's an adult." "I want to know why she's marrying him." "Oh, Nicholas," she said slowly, "it's difficult. I'm not sure that you'd understand." "Damn it, Anna, make me understand! Make me understand why she pulled so far away from me, make me understand why she's marrying him!" "Shhh, she'll hear you. Nicholas, we know how wonderful Katie is. We know that she's beautiful. We know she's smart. We know she is worthy of all that there is in this world. But she doesn't." "I've told her all those things a million times." "She didn't believe you. It made her angry that you were telling her these things when she thought that they weren't true. You built her up so high, Nicholas. She thought she could never be as good as you said that she was. She was terrified of disappointing you. Do you realize how much she loves you?" "Does she realize how much I love her?" he asked, now fully realizing it himself. "Yes, Nicholas, that's what scared her so much. Somewhere deep down she thought that you might figure out she wasn't what you thought that she was." "I can't see what made her think that." "Neither can I. Neither can she. That's where the problem lies. Nicholas, it's partly this place that we live. Something here distorts the image that girls see when they look in the mirror and when they look inside themselves." Nicholas knew that this was true. He had not realized the price that he would have to pay when he decided to raise a daughter in America. "I did everything that I could. I thought that would be enough." "It should have been. It's out of our hands now." "I hate this!" He hated the futility of that statement. His hands were useful to him. He'd always been able to fix anything. Why not this? "Me too, Nicholas," Anna said, sighing. "I still don't see why she's marrying Freddy. Is she pregnant?" "No, I don't think so. Nicholas, how many boyfriends has Katie had?" "I don't know." He thought for a minute. "A lot." "And did you know that every one of them left her for some reason or another? Nicholas, can't you see that she thinks that Freddy is her last chance." "She's only 24, there are bound to be others." "Probably, but no one can make that promise to her." "I thought that women were supposed to be independent here. She doesn't need a man to be happy." "Almost all her friends from school have gotten married. And Nicholas, look at us. She's grown up seeing how happy I am, how happy we are. She only wants the same." "Was it like that for you Anna? Oh God, please don't tell me that you--" "No, Nicholas. But I was lucky. You were the first man I ever loved, and I met you when I was young. I was lucky to find someone so perfect so quickly." She kissed him and held him for a while. Nicholas thought about what she had said. Anna had explained this all to him so clearly, but he still did not understand it anymore than he had before. He did not think that he wanted to. Anna was right though, there was nothing that he could do now. It was too late. He could only love Katie. It broke his heart that he could not save her. Maybe someday she would realize her mistake before it was too late for her. Maybe she would realize that her parents had been right. But Katja wasn't like a house. There was no way to predict how she'd turn out, even though Nicholas had put his life into her. He kissed Anna, who had already fallen asleep. Anna was like that; she could take things calmly. Nicholas reached to turn off the lamp on the bedside table. His gaze rested a moment on a picture of Katie and him when she was young. He was reminded again of how much he loved her, and how far away from him she was. He turned off the light, crawled under the covers, and wept. |
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© 1999 Harvard Summer School.
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Last modified Fri, Jan 21, 2000. |
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